Who is Ty the Emperor

Who is Ty the Emperor? I am 27 and rapidly approaching my 28th birthday. I am a young man with a heartbreaking but sadly not unique story. From before birth my brothers and sisters and I were just dealt a bad hand. After a non-descript, happy youth full of ordinary childhood pleasures, suddenly in the 8th year of my life my dear Mother suddenly died. This was the turning point in my life. Everything that I am and that I yet may be are linked to that traumatic event. After this shock my family and I endured a whole series of sadnesses far too numerous and unpleasant to subject to the casual reader.

I am just a man who in some ways is still just a boy, who wants someone to love me and tell me everything will be ok. I am more or less self taught at just about everything because I almost never went to school. Despite this, by all accounts I am quite accomplished. Most remark on my fine sense of humour which for one who's soul has been so trampled is a rare thing. I am a self created person. That means that though I know who I am and where I come from, those people and places are not all. I will not begin or end with that.

I am not defined by the actions, lifestyle, social status, or expectations, of my birth. In other words I would never accept what society and even the family thought I should do. I was never a womanizing-drunken-ex-con with about 2 or 3 baby mamas. This would be perfectly ok for my family, and indeed some think it odd that this is not my fate, with such as role models I had to find my own standards. As such, I cultivated a desire for something like the Gentlemanly Arts. Which is, sophisticated discourse, finely ruled and measure writing. Elegant and gallant posture and ways of moving. studying the arts and cultures of the world. To feed a love of music and art. Devouring all to fill my empty being.

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I am the 3rd and yes, the 'middle child." I am despite such turbulent beginnings, an optimistic, funny, and welcoming fellow. I love life! To me life is a set of collected experiences and I want them all. I want to taste the world's foods, to hear the languages, to lustily know its people, and enjoy various musics in my repose. I am one who only now is beginning to take the first tentative steps toward manhood and my future. With all the uncertainty and despair of an 8 year old boy, desperately hoping for better things whilst waiting for someone to love me. I am still the little boy who knows everything and nothing. Who sometimes hurts those he cares for. I have never been in love. I am flawed but I try. There may be no one else on Earth who wishes for a sincere hug as much as I do. I want so much but can motivate for nothing.

I am adrift. I am afraid. I am alone. I hope. I will survive. I am Ty the Emperor.

On the nature of a wasted life.

I have asked myself the question, if I were to die right now, or within several years, would I be satisfied and fairly fulfilled? The answer terrified me and filled my soul with unrest. For a long time I have suffered from chronic dissatisfaction. I have always proceeded with the vain idea that as a smart fellow anytime would be a good time to take-up the reins of manhood and forge my way in the world. If I were to be unable now, with only limited time, to fulfill my most dear desires, it would be heartbreaking to unbearable.

In my time what have I done? Nothing. What have I done that is worthy of remembering? Nothing. If I were to utterly perish, what would remain? No children, no great loves, no body of work, no adoring public, no noteworthy actions. It would have been a truly wasted life.

What then is the lesson in all this hypothetical grief? That now is the best, indeed the only time to seize your destiny. There will never be a better time. We must live for today and try, really try, to make the best of it. I realize that I have spent far too much time waiting, waiting for someone to rescue me, waiting for the right time for whatever, waiting on tables etc...

For those reading this, the notion of the wasted life may trouble you far less, but as for me I think that if you have certain abilities you must use them or they are wasted. My sister-in-law once said to me, "everyone can see how talented and smart and special you are, but you." She was right. Now is the time for my nuts to drop and for me to man-up and take my future in hand. NO MORE WAITING!!!!!!!! The saddest thing for me would be to never produce children and never to have had the chance to shine. Now with school, work, determination, God, and much work I must lay foundations for a better future. There can be nothing worse or more frightening than the wasted life. This must be avoided by me and by all whatever the cost, and do NOT delay.

Post Script: Whilst composing this blog I was listening to a marvelous album called "Another Sky" by the group "Altan" If you want a soundtrack to contemplate the questions posed in this blog, check out the song "Green Grows the Rushes." It is the perfect song for the melodramatic theme of this writing. However be careful, if you have a vivid imagination and a sensitive heart you will probably cry. Until next time...

Ty the Emperor